bohemian slapfight

I cannot believe the amount of shit that has happened in 12 days. I still need to check myself because it feels like it’s been a year. At least a few months. The amount of things I’ve been through in 2 weeks is…hard to even comprehend. When I think about it I can barely get my thoughts to gel.

“What? No, that’s impossible! Count again! Count again!”

And then I count out the days on my fingers, staring at them like I don’t believe my own hands.

Then I check dates on emails, because it’s … just impossible to believe.

I have a tendency to demand a lot from myself when shit gets bad because I will automatically assume blame for other people’s choices and actions. Even when the responsibility isn’t mine to bear.  No doubt this is some kind of old ‘well if you weren’t awful, then I wouldn’t treat you so badly’ problem I’ve wrestled with on an unconscious level for years. My level of self-doubt can be staggering and paralyzing and it leaves me wide open to manipulation at the hands of people who aren’t really concerned about  my best interests. This is a pattern that has repeated itself for years. I guess this is where it finally crumbles.

I mean, it’s funny to be self-effacing on the internet and make funny comedy jokez about it, but living it….well that’s a little different.

I forget that it’s ok to stop for a few days and recognize how much muck I managed (with the help of so many other wonderful people) to pull myself out of. And to be proud of that. That sometimes it really isn’t about you, and I’m not responsible for some of the horrible things that happen. I get so wrapped up in taking responsibility for things and people I have no business taking responsibility for and in demanding things from myself that are unfair and draining, that I don’t notice that I’m so tired my legs barely work anymore or my face won’t stop twitching. That my spirit is broken. That I am short-changing myself on a grand scale. That I’m happily bearing the burden of other people’s issues and choices as though I was some kind of metaphysical sherpa because the truth is, some people just aren’t very nice people; Some things that happen are just random and horrible. And it’s really that simple.

There have been some hard lessons in the last 12 days, and these are but a few.

I’m not great at giving myself a break and the truth is, I’ve felt so bad for the last 6 or 7 months, felt so undeserving of compassion and care, that I forgot that I’m allowed to be happy and to enjoy life. To be fair, I’ve made some not great choices out of desperation and despair who were both the terrified passengers of the kamikaze driver, self-doubt. Who then drove the car into the burning river of shit. But sometimes (most of the time) you can only take people at their word and work with what you’re given.

I’m coming out of a really weird place, I’ve endured so much, on more levels, than even I can understand right now but I’ve landed in a homey, warm place with funny, kind and insightful people. And I finally believe that everything will be ok. And for that I am grateful.