If you’re on the East Coast like I am, you’re probably thinking a lot about the serious risks posed by Hurricane Irene. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to make Hurricane Irene seem more like Tropical Depression Irene!*
-Stock up on cartons of cigarettes, gasoline, and foie gras. There’s more or less a consensus among experts that one of these items will come to replace currency after society collapses.
-If you have a boat, get five of every animal you can find. Natural Selection and Punnett Square experiments are a great way to pass time should the power go out.
-Get into irreconcilable fights with all close friends and family, so as to avoid being sad should anything bad happen to them.
-Apologize to the sky. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but I don’t really know you very well, do I?
-Make sure your flashlight is strong enough to double as a weapon.
-If you have no escape route, :(
-Make sure your freezer is full of cold air, otherwise your food will spoil.
-Your windows should be boarded up. When it rains, homeless people attempt to seek shelter. If your house looks abandoned, they’ll enter, and harvesting organs (sometimes referred to as “bonus” organs) is another great way to pass time.
-When the eye of the hurricane is overhead, take careful aim and attempt to throw a handful of YOUR OWN feces DIRECTLY into it. Should you connect, the hurricane will immediately dissipate and your feces will be returned to you. Should you miss, your feces will be returned to you days later when you least expect it.
-Shoot first, ask questions later.
-Get twice as much liquor as you think you’ll want. Seems so obvious now that I’ve said it, right?
*This joke first appeared on Weather.com on August 25, 2011.
Yes, this is not quite hitting events at their prime, but how I wish I would have seen this before so I could have reblogged it at the time. This shit is hysterical.